Have you ever wondered why squirrels dart out in front of cars only to rush back to safety at the last second? Let me tell you the story of Harold the Squirrel.
When Harold married his bride Emily, they were as happy as could be. They laughed and kissed and made love blanketed in the midafternoon sun that streamed into their newly refurbished home in the knob of an oak tree. They were successful young squirrels with the world at the tips of their paws. Their tree was always stocked with acorns — even during the summer. This was a sign of unimaginable wealth in the squirrel world. Their fruitful lifestyle was made possible through Harold’s lucrative position at Cashew, Macadamia, Pistachio, and Associates.
The pair had so much wealth and joy that they felt they should share it. That’s when Winifred joined the picture. Harold quickly realized that the neverending love he felt for his bride could never match that which he felt for his daughter.
Their family unit was only made stronger. They had dinner together every night, frequently vacationed, and never forgot to say “I love you.” Even their nutty Christmas cards were admired by every family in their neck of the woods.
While he was a doting, loving father overall, Harold was consumed with work and often absent-minded. His father had instilled in him a ruthless work ethic which he then passed on to Winifred. The “work until you drop” mentality, Harold felt, was essential to his prosperity. Therefore he had an obligation to teach it to his only daughter.
It was with this dogma in mind that Winifred rose from her bed to forage for the sweetest fruit in the early hours of a crisp Sunday morning. The sun was only just beginning to crest and the branches were still wet with dew. She eyed the brightest red cherry at the top of the tree and thought about how proud her father would be if she were to bring it home for breakfast. Her powerful hindlegs pushed off the branch and she soared, her silhouette eclipsing the rising sun.
She did not factor in the slipperiness of the branch into her jump and missed her mark. Her body plummeted to the ground like overripe fruit.
Harold and Emily woke to the sounds of their daughter’s plaintive wails blaring through their open windows.
When the doctors told Harold that she would never walk again, he was shattered. He blamed himself for the incident and so did Emily. From then on their relationship was strained. They no longer laughed, no longer kissed aside from a chilly, loveless peck before work every morning, and they certainly did not make love.
A sullen depression fell over Harold. He took an extended leave from work and could barely rise from bed in the morning other than to grab a bottle of gin. Consequently, he packed on weight like he was preparing for winter. This made the problem of his sex life even worse. He wasn’t sure he even could get it up if he wanted.
One day, he was waddling near the street when a Toyota approached from a distance. Consumed with despair and self-loathing, he scurried into the road. Harold closed his eyes, ready to accept the fate that he felt he deserved.
The darling women in his life flashed before his eyes. He thought of the day he had met Emily. How she had given him a sly kiss on the cheek before running back to her group of friends on the quad at Nuttsville University. He could never forget the delicate corners of her mouth curling into a smile when she tasted the food that he had prepared for their first Valentine’s day. He thought of the day Winifred first spoke and how deeply he sobbed from happiness. He thought about how they would feel if he left them.
Harold opened his eyes and flung himself back towards safety, only narrowly avoiding a fatal collision with the car’s tires.
Upon arriving back home with a newfound sense of purpose, he did what he had failed to do since the accident: sincerely apologize to his family.
The next day he threw himself back into both the gym and his career with characteristic vigor. Soon he was feeling like himself again. The executives noticed Harold’s quality of work was better than ever so they offered him a partnership in the firm. He denied it.
Instead, he spent each morning and evening reading and playing games with Winifred. When the weather was nice, he would carry her through the park and tell her stories. Despite her misfortune, she was grateful for her mother and father.
One night, while Winifred was staying at a friend’s house, Harold cooked a fantastic meal for his wife; an elegant bed of acorn butter with toasted apple finished with a smear of berry jam. After spending hours drinking wine and laughing until they were in tears, they made love more passionately than ever before.
So why do squirrels dart in front of cars? To get their nuts back.
Millerwiller 